It just isn’t fair. The 32 NFL teams sit around like railroad barons puffing on giant stogies and divvy up the finest young football talent in the nation. The athletes have virtually no say in where they’re headed, be it the frozen wasteland of Minnesota or the swampy morass of Jacksonville. The NFL essentially buys these kids a one-way plane ticket.
No more! This year the players do the drafting. Here’s my first-round mockery.
1. CB Jalen Ramsey: New England Patriots. Jalen Ramsey does not have to forfeit his pick for cheating, so he takes the NFL’s best franchise. Bill Belichick refuses to hug Roger Goodell at the podium.
2. T Laremy Tunsil: Carolina Panthers. Tunsil has a really cool end zone dance to show Cam Newton.
3. QB Jared Goff: Denver Broncos. Win-win for the Cal QB. Walks into a situation where he’ll immediately be anointed a savior, and doesn’t have to look across the line at Von Miller.
4. DE DeForest Buckner: Seattle Seahawks. Hawaii native and Oregon collegian is already used to 284 days of rain per year.
5. DE Joey Bosa: Green Bay Packers. Bosa looking forward to being one of the teammates who lets down Aaron Rodgers in the playoffs every year.
6. LB Myles Jack: Oakland Raiders. A young franchise QB, a star in the making at outside linebacker and, we’re led to believe, an amazing spread of food for the media over the next three days.
7. RB Ezekiel Elliot: Arizona Cardinals. Arizona being one of just five NFL teams that even have running plays in their playbook anymore.
8. DT Sheldon Rankins: Pittsburgh Steelers. Rankins preparing speech about how much he admired Mean Joe Greene, whom he found out about Monday.
9. CB William Jackson III: New Orleans Saints. “I love Sean Payton’s mind, the community is very supportive… ah, hell, who am I kidding? You can drink Hurricanes ON THE STREET!”
10. CB Vernon Hargreaves: Dallas Cowboys. Yeah, they’re terrible, but that crazy old cracker sure talks a good game.
11. QB Carson Wentz: Indianapolis Colts. The canny Wentz understands that backup quarterback is the best position in football.
12. T Ronnie Stanley: Los Angeles Rams. Stanley picturing Hollywood connections, possible speaking role in Avengers 7.
13. T Jack Conklin: Baltimore Ravens. “They have one of those Harbaughs, right? Is it the normal one or the one with the cult-leader eyes?”
14. WR Corey Coleman: Kansas City Chiefs. Coleman loves Alex Smith’s ability to check down. On every single play.
15. DE Shaq Lawson: Buffalo Bills. Rex Ryan has more fun at an eye exam than Bill Belichick has at a rave.
16. CB Mackenzie Alexander: New York Giants. Shhhh. Alexander thinks Tom Coughlin is still coaching the Giants.
17. DT Chris Jones: New York Jets. The pick is booed aggressively by Jets fans who felt their team should have been drafted by Jarran Reed.
18. DE Leonard Floyd: San Diego Chargers. Intense war room (a.k.a. rec room) debate breaks out between Floyd’s Uncle Maurice, who wants Chargers, and neighbor Tootie, who prefers Detroit.
19. DT Jarran Reed: Atlanta Falcons. Reed tells the press that Falcons were the team he wanted all along, and no one believes him.
20. LB Jaylon Smith: Houston Texans. Smith thinks he can pry loose 5 percent of JJ Watt’s commercial endorsements and retire at 28.
21. WR Josh Doctson: Detroit Lions. Doctson already looking forward to unfavorable comparisons to Calvin Johnson.
22. WR Sterling Shepard: Chicago Bears. Shepard rightly suspects that no matter how many passes he drops, everyone will blame Jay Cutler.
23. LB Reggie Ragland: Minnesota Vikings. Not the best team on the board, but Ragland has been so, so sad since Prince died.
24. WR Michael Thomas: Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Last-minute deal falls through, would have sent pick to Eli Apple, allowed Thomas to drop back to No. 32 and select Tottenham Hotspur.
25. G Cody Whitehair: Miami Dolphins. Whitehair not crazy about Dolphins’ dysfunction, but figures he’ll be spiked/elbowed/bitten by Ndamukong Suh only in practice.
26. DT Andrew Billings: Tennessee Titans. Billings working on a country song called “Another Lonely January.”
27. WR Laquon Treadwell: Philadelphia Eagles. Treadwell appreciates the impulsivity of a team that’s willing to mortgage its future for a high pick, not even knowing who will be available.
28. DE Shilique Calhoun: Washington Redskins. Racist name, overbearing owner, recent QB drama. But hey, at least Calhoun will be able to rub elbows with President Trump.
29. TE Hunter Henry: San Francisco 49ers. Too late, Henry sees the text messages from Anthony Davis.
30. DT Robert Nkemdiche: Cincinnati Bengals. The guy who fell from a hotel window and was charged with weed possession thoroughly vetted the Bengals and found no character issues.
31. S Karl Joseph: Jacksonville Jaguars. Joseph loves London. Great public transportation. Fish and chips. Things called “bank holidays.” It’ll be fine.
32. CB Eli Apple: Cleveland Browns. “I choose the Steelers.” They’re taken. “Umm, the Seahawks.” Taken. “Patriots?” Nope. “Steelers?” Still taken. “Well, who’s left?” HAHAHAHAHA!!!!