The citizens of Greater New England have spent most of the last two days canonizing Tom Brady, chaining themselves to the entrance of NFL headquarters and raving at the national sports media like dahgs bahking at cahs.
Deflategate, they say, is nothing more than a trumped-up (and Trumped-up, with The Donald weighing in yesterday) conspiracy. And I would be tempted to agree with them if it weren’t for Spygate, the previous scandal to taint Bill Belichick’s tenure with the Patriots. The two incidents, in combination, paint a picture of an organization willing to win at all costs.
In fact, it’s enough to make you question the entire Belichick-Brady almost-dynasty. Looking back with a suspicious eye, it isn’t hard to spot other potential violations hatched at Patriots headquarters.
I wonder why Bill Belichick, who seemingly could afford to shop in the adults’ section, is always wearing a hoodie while coaching. And I wonder why Tom Brady, who has the golden locks of a Nazi propaganda poster, is usually wearing a beanie at post-game press conferences. Well, actually I don’t wonder. Two words, folks: radio headsets. Or two different words: cranial implants. You think Brady just somehow knows how to get the Patriots into the right offense so often?
You know about the Bill Walsh Coaching Tree, right? Mike Holmgren… Steve Mariucci… Jon Gruden… Dennis Green… George Seifert… the list goes on. Walsh nurtured great young coaches, who took over teams of their own and had tremendous success and then tutored other great young coaches. Well, take a look at the Bill Belichick Coaching Tree: Romeo Crennel… Eric Mangini… Josh McDaniels… Jim Schwartz… Rob Ryan. You’re shuddering, right? Belichick’s former assistants have laid waste to NFL teams – their own teams. Real coincidence, right? Uh-huh. Give it another few years. Every other team in the league will be in ruins, and Mangini and Co. will return to the fold in New England. Brilliantly devious.
GATE-WAY TO HARDER DRUGS
So let’s get this straight. In 2006, Randy Moss caught three touchdowns passes with the Raiders. The next year he caught 23 touchdown passes, an all-time NFL record, for New England. Oh, sure, just a little 667-percent increase. Before you go blaming Tom Walsh and Art Shell, remember that in August of 2005 Moss admitted he smokes weed “every blue moon.” Since it’s likely Moss, with no formal astronomical training, doesn’t actually know what a blue moon is, do you think it’s impossible the Patriots tinted Moss’ apartment windows blue in 2007 and found a way to enhance his creativity on the field? Well, do you?
Brady put himself into the record books in 2007 when he passed for 4,806 yards, third most ever by an NFL quarterback. Or did he? A look at overhead shots of Gillette Stadium that year, along with some simple triangulation, proves that the playing field was approximately 99 yards, 2 feet, 4 inches that season. Way to pad those stats, Tommy. Even fantasy football players feel cheated.
Does anybody else notice that Foxborough, where the Patriots play their home games, used to be called Foxboro? And that now it’s called Foxborough? What the heck? One educated guess: Making every reporter in the stadium type that extra “UGH” into his or her game story made it less likely that they they’d notice the Patriots pouring anthrax into the opposing team’s Gatorade or installing a time-space wormhole at the 15-yard line. Ugh, indeed, Boston.
I know what you’re thinking, Pats fans. The rest of us are paranoid. Delusional. Jealous of your success. Well, mark my words. Someday your ruthless team is going to get caught doing something truly outlandish, like hiring a convict to clear a space in the snow for your placekicker. Seriously.