1. 1. Houston Texans: Jose Arias, national Handicapper of the Year. After last season, Texans have grown strangely fond to Pick Sixes.
  2. 2. St. Louis Rams: Tony LaRussa. Football team desperate to learn The Cardinal Way.
  3. 3. Jacksonville Jaguars: David Beckham. Blatant PR stunt by team destined to be playing in London within three years.
  4. 4. Cleveland Browns: Joani Harbaugh. Failed attempt to trade for Jim, inability to pry John from Ravens leads to taking only Harbs sibling still on the board.
  5. 5. Oakland Raiders: Mark Jackson. Do you know how long it would take this team to get to 50 wins?
  6. 6. Atlanta Falcons: Billy Joe Dupree. Tony Gonzalez’s banner season at age of 37 gets Falcons thinking about even more experienced tight ends.
  7. 7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Dustin Ecklesby, 7th grader, Topeka, Kansas. Only person in American willing to don Bucs’ goofy new uniforms.
  8. 8. Minnesota Vikings: random guy with snow shovel and gallon of Grey Goose. Really looking forward to those outdoor games at the U of Minnesota this year!
  9. 9. Buffalo Bills: Noel Grigsby, WR, San Jose State. Because if Andre Reed can be voted into the Hall of Fame, honestly, anyone can.
  10. 10. Detroit Lions: Boston Marathon runner who helped exhausted competitor reach finish line. Should provide nice karmic counterweight to Ndamukong Suh.
  11. 11. Tennessee Titans: Michael Sam, DE, Missouri. Deal with it, Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander.
  12. 12. New York Giants: Alex Rodriguez, 3B, Yankees. I mean, he’s just sitting there.
  13. 13. Russia (after trade with St. Louis Rams): all of Ukraine, parts of Lithuania and Estonia. Already has plans drawn up for use in offense.
  14. 14. Chicago Bears: Ernst & Young senior accountant Melvin Finebaum. Bears address a huge need after accidentally attaching extra zero to Jay Cutler’s contract.
  15. 15. Pittsburgh Steelers: Dude wearing yellow Event Staff windbreaker. Expected to start immediately in keep-Tomlin-off-field defense.
  16. 16. Dallas Cowboys: Monica Lewinsky. Jerry Jones appreciates former intern’s ability to shove herself back into news after decades of irrelevance.
  17. 17. Baltimore Ravens: Ronda Rousey, MMA fighter. Will help Ray Rice learn how to treat a lady.
  18. 18. New York Jets: Rob Ford, mayor, Toronto. Should immediately make Rex Ryan appear trim and even-tempered.
  19. 19. Miami Dolphins: Stuart Smalley. Dolphins eager to repair locker room after Richie Incognito scandal.
  20. 20. Arizona Cardinals: Ice T, reality star. “Arizona Ice T” merchandise already in production.
  21. 21. Green Bay Packers: Colin Kaepernick, QB, 49ers. Kap already under contract, but it was worth a shot. No chance of beating Niners without some sort of crazy move.
  22. 22. Philadelphia Eagles: A cheetah. Confirms Chip Kelly’s commitment to ridiculously fast-paced offense.
  23. 23. Kansas City Chiefs: California Chrome. Eric Berry’s desensitization therapy for fear of horses nearly complete.
  24. 24. Cincinnati Bengals: Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville. But Bengals offensive coordinator Hue Jackson immediately trades him for Carson Palmer.
  25. 25. San Jose Sharks (after trade with San Diego Chargers): Thirty-five cardboard cutouts to stand in for players during humiliating offseason.
  26. 26. Cleveland Browns: talented but mercurial linebacker with family issues. Or maybe that’s the movie “Draft Day.”
  27. 27. New Orleans Saints: Dog the Bounty Hunter. NFL sighs, reluctantly launches second investigation.
  28. 28. Carolina Panthers: Chris Boswell, K, Rice. Carolina front office initiates plan to fill entire roster with placekickers in effort to get coach Ron Rivera to stop calling for 2-point conversions.
  29. 29. New England Patriots: Aaron Hernandez, TE, Bristol County House of Corrections. Belichick always thinking ahead; Hernandez due for parole hearing in 2047.
  30. 30. San Francisco 49ers: Joel Embiid, C, Kansas. GM Trent Baalke mesmerized by 7-foot basketball player’s long arms.
  31. 31. Denver Broncos: Jadeveon Clowney, LB, South Carolina. Broncos amazed he’s still around at No. 31.
  32. 32. Seattle Seahawks: Efren Zappoli, janitor, Space Needle. Only option Seahawks can afford after breaking bank on extensions for Earl Thomas, Richard Sherman.