We have heard a lot over the past few months about all the things we’ll be able to do at Levi’s Stadium when it opens late this summer – use the built-in wi-fi to look up Colin Kaepernick’s season stats while watching a 49ers game, order hot dogs and beer from our phone via an app that probably was invented within a one-mile radius of the facility, etc.

Now, thanks to Mike Rosenberg of the San Jose Mercury News, we know some of the things we will not be able to do at Levi’s. The Merc published a list of prohibitions for the stadium, devised by the Santa Clara Police Department and sent to the city council for a vote at tonight’s meeting. Here are some of the no-nos, with helpful commentary added.

  • No smoking except in designated areas >> Got it. Good start.
  • No urinating or defecating anywhere except the bathroom >> Well, fair enough, though infants should be excluded.
  • No bringing weapons – including guns, knives, Tasers, “impact weapons” or “chemical agents” – unless you’re a police officer >> OK, but I’m not going to be the one to tell Wayne LaPierre.
  • No throwing objects – liquid or solid, including footballs – or causing anything to “become airborne” >> Clever wording will prohibit the use of liquid footballs.
  • No birds, fish, reptiles or animals, except guide dogs >> Not even dead ones? I can’t grill chicken wings or marinated terrapin?
  • No bringing booze into the stadium >> Fine – if the 49ers promise no ties against the Rams. I’m not watching that sober again.
  • No “disruptive, unsafe, noisy, boisterous or profane” activity >> Waiting for Damon Bruce to rant about how a female police officer slipped this one in.
  • No buying an additional ticket to re-enter the stadium after you’ve been ejected >> for entering with a hyena the first time
  • No air horns, bugles, powered megaphones, drums or other noise-making devices unless stadium officials approve >> 49ers COO Al Guido totally approves of my sousaphone, by the way.
  • No sitting in a seat that’s not yours >> Wait, we have to bring our own folding chairs?
  • No “vehicle training,” playing sports – including football – bicycling or skateboarding in the parking lots >> Ah, brings back memories. Taught my daughter to drive a stick shift during Raiders-Chiefs at the Oakland Coliseum.
  • No free parking >> What, we’re not rolling back professional sports to 1935?
  • No messing with the parking space next to yours >> Too bad. I like to bring colored chalk and illustrate vivid optical illusions that make it look like you’re driving into a fiery, 8-by-12-foot chasm.
  • No music or any noise that can be heard from more than 50 feet away >> Is there a Ted Robinson Exclusion?
  • No lingering in parking lots during specific events in which officials close the lots during the events >> What?? That’s asinine! If I can’t… oh… I thought it read “lingerie.”
  • No selling food, drinks or anything else unless you’re an authorized business, and no seeking employment or begging for money >> Thank goodness. I can’t tell you how awkward it was when Mike Nolan passed out resumes at Candlestick that time.
  • No beer kegs. No glass containers unless it’s for prescribed medication >> OK, so a 12-ounce bottle of Valium and a cask of Jack Daniel’s. Good to go!